I HAVE A GREAT CAPACITY FOR JOY.
I EAT BUTTER TOAST IN BED.
MY FATHER HAS MY HEART.
MY FATHER HAS DEMENTIA.
I HAVE NO DEBT.
MY CREATIVE PROCESS IS INTUITIVE.
I THINK I’M AFRAID OF MY OWN AMBITION.
I’M ALSO AFRAID OF WHAT CAN FEEL LIKE A LACK, SOME MASSIVE ABSENCE OF AMBITION, LIKE I’M MISSING AN ORGAN OR SOMETHING.
I HIDE MY GOALS.
I DIDN’T LEAVE MY CAREER TO BE FREE, OR BECAUSE I HATED IT, OR BECAUSE I HATED THE PHARMACEUTICAL INDUSTRY OR MONEY, OR WHATEVER.
I LEFT BECAUSE I FELL OUT OF LOVE.
I LEFT TO MEET MY PURPOSE.
I’M AN ABSORBER.
I’M 59.
I HAD AN ANT-PROBLEM ONCE, IN INDIA, THE ANTS WERE RED AND WANTED TO SLEEP IN MY BED.
I CLOSE MY EYES TO FEEL MY WAY THROUGH A THOUGHT AND/OR A QUESTION.
I’M NOT A WORK OF ART.
MY FATHER VALUED MONEY ABOVE ALL ELSE. THE HOUSE HE BUILT WAS ALWAYS WARM.
“WITHOUT MONEY YOU ARE NOTHING.”
“DER SCHORNSTEIN MUSS RAUCHEN.”
‘THE CHIMNEY MUST SMOKE’ IS AN 18TH CENTURY GERMAN IDIOM REMINDING THAT MONEY IS NEEDED TO KEEP THE HOUSE WARM.
HE COULD BE BRUTAL.
HE MADE ME FEEL SPECIAL.
HE MADE ME FEEL BETTER THAN
I FELT PROTECTIVE OF OUR RELATIONSHIP AND OF HIM.
I FELT LOVED BY HIM.
“DU BIST MIT GELD NICHT ZU BEZAHLEN.”
(YOU ARE INVALUABLE. YOU CANNOT BE PAID/BOUGHT WITH MONEY)
MY FATHER TAUGHT ME OBEDIENCE AND HOW TO BE RESOURCEFUL, LOYAL AND ALONE.
MY FATHER TAUGHT ME HOW TO KEEP HIM SAFE.
I FELT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS SURVIVAL (MIND & HEART HEALTH).
HE LED BY EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.
HE LED BY I DON’T HAVE ANYONE TO TALK TO-SELF-PITY.
HE LED BY I’M GOING TO HANG MYSELF-FEAR.
HE GAVE ME HIS COMPLEXITY AND HIS WORK ETHIC. HE WAS A BUILDER.
I RESPECT THAT IN HIM. I RESPECT HIM.
I GAVE HIM MY EMPATHY-MACHINE.
I GAVE HIM MY HEART-MIND.
I’M NOT SPECIAL.
I CAN’T STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE OVERLOAD THE FRIDGE.
I LOST MY FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AT AGE 51
I HAVE NO DEBT.
I LOVE HIM. I LOVE HIM.
I DON’T WANT HIM TO DIE.
I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
I RESENT CHRISTINE HERZER.
WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT BUILDING SANDCASTLES WHEN THE WATER WILL ERASE THEM?
MONEY DOES NOT LIVE IN DRAWERS!
HOW TO SUSTAIN SUCH A PERSON?
CHRISTINE HERZER’S LIFE IS UNSUSTAINABLE.
SOMEONE TELL HER TO STOP BUYING SHOES PLEASE.
DOES NOT EVEN ATTEMPT STABILITY.
ME CRAZY SOMETIMES WITH BOTH HANDS.
I HAVE GRIEF-ANGER. I HAVE DESARROI.
I HAVE NO MONEY.
I HAVE IMPOSSIBILITY GRIEF. I HAVE MOURNING SADNESS.
I DON’T MEAN TO BE DIFFICULT.
I GIVE A SHIT. I FUCKING CARE.
I WENT ALL IN.
I FEEL VERY, VERY SAD.
IDEALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO BE ALIVE,
NOT DEAD,
WHEN MY ART
IS SHOWN.
IDEALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO STOP RESCUING MY FATHER FROM MY MOTHER.
IDEALLY, I WOULD LIKE TO STOP RESCUING CHRISTINE HERZER FROM LOVE.
IT’S COMPLICATED.
I’M NOT A WORK OF ART.
I STILL WANT TO BELONG.
I’M AFRAID OF MY FUTURE.
I ALSO DON’T WANT TO BELONG.
ETEL ADNAN TALKS ABOUT HAVING A LOYALTY TO THE UNITED STATES AND TO THE ARAB WORLD—AND SHE SAYS THAT TO BELONG TO SOMETHING IS ALSO TO OWE SOMETHING TO THAT BELONGING.
THE FIRST TIME I WANTED TO WRITE ABOUT MONEY I WROTE ABOUT A LOVER INSTEAD, A YOUNG MAN FROM ARGENTINA WHO WANTED TO MOVE IN WITH ME BECAUSE HE LIKED MY FACE.
AMBITION, 1998: to go beyond my limitations
IOU, abbreviated from the phrase I OWE YOU.
I FELT P
OWED ME
SEX
I FELT I
OWED S
SEX
SEX, PSYCHOANALYSIS, ART AND DEMENTIA IN A LOVED ONE CAN CAUSE MOMENTARY EMERGENCES.
RACHEL CUSK DEFINES ‘MOMENTARY EMERGENCE’ AS SOMEONE GETTING OUT OF THE SEA AND STANDING ON A ROCK FOR A MINUTE AND SORT OF LOOKING AROUND, AND FOR WHATEVER REASON THEY CAN SEE WHERE THEY ARE.
MY SISTER IS A BULLY.
HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE IS A BALLAD WRITTEN AND RECORDED BY THE BEE GEES WHEN I WAS 12 YEARS OLD. I LEFT MY FATHER’S HOUSE AT AGE TWENTY. MY FATHER NEVER LEFT THE VILLAGE WHERE HE WAS BORN.
HE NEVER WENT ON VACATION. HE DROVE A MERCEDEZ-BENZ AND HE BELIEVED IN ME. DU BIST EINE AUSNAHME.
HE BUILT A WOODEN SHELF FOR MY NOTEBOOKS. HE NEVER VISITED ME IN PARIS. HE WAS A DOER AND A PLANNER. EIN BAUUNTERNEHMER. AN ENTREPRENEUR.
HE PAID THE BILLS ON TIME, IT WAS A MATTER OF PRIDE.
MY FATHER WAS INDEPENDENT BEFORE HIS HOSPITALIZATION. FIERECLY INDEPENDENT. ART WAS NOT PART OF HIS WORLD.
IN 2002, I LEFT A SUCCESSFUL 10-YEAR-BUSINESS CAREER TO PURSUE A SPIRITUAL PATH IN INDIA. I DIDN’T KNOW ANYONE IN INDIA, OR ANYONE WHO HAD GONE ON A SIMILAR QUEST. I KNEW, WITH THE STRANGEST KIND OF CLARITY THAT I WOULD DO IT, HAD TO FOLLOW THIS OTHER/FOREIGN FORM OF KNOWING, A CLARITY SO CLEAR: I WOULD HAVE HAD TO BE DEAD IN ORDER TO STAY.
I CANNOT RECOMMEND MY PARENTS.
I LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM.
I HAVE NO DEBT.
I HAVE NO MONEY.
I HAVE RESENTMENT.
I FEEL OWED SOMETHING.
THE COLOR OF MY INJUSTICE- VULNERABILITY-ANGER IS ULTRAMARINE.
THE COLOR TEMPERATURE OF MY ANGER IS COLD.
THE COLOR TEMPERATURE OF MY VULNERABILITY IS WARM.
I CONSULTED A LAWYER. THE LAWYER RECOMMENDED I GET A JOB IN MUSEUM. THE LAWYER RECOMMENDED I COOK WITH MY SISTER. THE LAYWER KEPT SAYING ‘BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.’ ‘BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER.’
BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER IS A PROVERB IN ENGLISH MEANING THAT FAMILIAL BONDS WILL ALWAYS BE STRONGER THAN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS. THE OLDEST RECORD OF THIS SAYING CAN BE TRACED BACK TO THE 12TH CENTURY IN GERMAN.
I ASKED MANTRA IF ANGELS NEED LAWYERS. MANTRA IS A POET FROM INDIA.
CHRISTINE HERZER IS A PARIS-BASED POET AND VISUAL ARTIST. FOR 12 YEARS SHE LIVED IN INDIA, PRACTICING WRITING, MEDITATION, AND TEACHING.
PLEASE-GO-WITH-ME-ON-THIS.
FOR THE LONGEST TIME, I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WANTED. A QUALITY VERY FEW PEOPLE SEEM TO APPRECIATE WITHOUT SHAMING YOU OR TAKING ADVANTAGE. I ONLY KNEW WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO WANT.
I RESENTED MY HEART, WHAT FELT LIKE MY HEART, FOR BEING SO VAST AND EMPTY AND UNKNOWABLE.
2 DAYS BEFORE I MOVED FROM MUNICH TO PARIS I BOUGHT A YELLOW CHINESE WEDDING CABINET, IT SMELLED OLD, WAS A BIT DAMAGED. I LOVED HOW IT FELT WHEN I TOUCHED IT.
THE WEDDING CABINET NEVER ENTERED MY PARIS APARTMENT, THE ENTRANCE DOOR WAS TOO SMALL, AND IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO HAVE IT MOVED IN THROUGH THE WINDOWS, IT REMAINS IN STORAGE TO THIS DAY. IT HAS BEEN IN STORAGE FOR ALMOST 30 YEARS.
Wanting to be taken care of financially and feeling ashamed of wanting to be taken care of financially / Resenting women who have men who protect them with money / basically wanting something else entirely from a partner, not being able to say what that might be, knowing it. Resenting myself for having lost my financial independence. Hating feeling exposed. Caring about where the money comes from, caring about how you get somewhere;
“FORM IS THE END, DEATH. FORMATION (FORM-GIVING) IS LIFE,” KLEE WROTE.
M SAID THE BIGGER QUESTION WAS ABOUT JUSTICE: DO ANGELS NEED JUSTICE?
I TALK TOO MUCH.
I DON’T COOK.
MY FAMILY NAME CONTAINS THE WORD HEART.
MY FATHER HAS MY HEART.
I USE REPETITION TO DELAY REACHING SOMETHING / ARRIVING SOMEWHERE. I USE REPETITION TO GENERATE AN INTENSITY.
I’M INTERESTED IN REPETITION AS A WAY OF MOVING TOWARD HEALING, OF HEALING TAKING PLACE.
REPETITION AS RUPTURE, AN OPENING OUT INTO POSSIBILITY.
REPETITION PRODUCES SPACE / AS A WAY OF MAKING SPACE FOR
RESENTMENT DOES NOT PRODUCE
CYNTHIA FLEURY DEFINES RESENTMENT AS A ‘WEAKNESS OF THE SOUL’ THAT RESULTS IN AN ‘INCAPACITY TO ACT’ AND THE ROTTING OF ONE’S CRITICAL ABILITIES.
WOW. JUST WOW.
CYNTHIA FLEURY SAYS THAT RESENTMENT PRODUCES TERROR, THE HATRED OF OTHERS, VENGEANCE, ALL OF THIS UNDER THE ACCEPTABLE RUBRIC OF JUSTICE.
BATTLING RESENTMENT TEACHES US THAT A CERTAIN TOLERANCE FOR INJUSTICE IS NECESSARY.
WOW AGAIN.
FLEURY SAYS THAT, I’M SIMPLIFYING, I HAVEN’T READ HER BOOK, I’M QUOTING FROM AN INTERVIEW IN THE LATEST ISSUE OF ‘TEXTE ZUR KUNST’ ENTITLED ‘DEATH DRIVE AND SUBLIMATION’:
ARTISTS HAVE A ‘MORE SOPHISTICATED AWARENESS OF THE DEATH DRIVE.’
TO FIGHT AGAINST INJUSTICE A MEASURE OF PSYCHIC ‘TOLERANCE’ OF THAT VERY INUSTICE IS REQUIRED… YOU HAVE TO FIND THE WAY TO BE THE AGENT OF YOUR LIFE… THE WAY TO CREATE AS A WAY OF ELUDING RESENTMENT.
IT IS POSSIBLE TO REMOVE YOURSELF FROM SOCIOECONOMIC DETERMINATION OR UNJUST SITUATIONS SYMBOLICALLY.
MY QUEST IS FOR SOMETHING LIKE WHOLENESS.
MY QUEST IS FOR SOMETHING LIKE CONNECTION.
DURING MY FIRST TRIP TO INDIA, FEBRUARY 1999 - I STAYED IN A TINY COTTAGE ON THE BEACH OF SOME HIGH-END AYURVEDIC RESORT IN KERALA - EVERY MORNING I WATCHED THE FISHERMEN THROWING OUT THEIR NETS, GOING ABOUT THEIR BUSINESS WITH GREAT CARE AND DEDICATION, WAITING FOR THE FISH TO BITE. OFTEN I WOULD SEE THE NETS COMING BACK EMPTY. I SIMPLY COULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SEEING, AND WHY I KEPT WATCHING THE SAME RITUAL OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
IN HINDSIGHT, WHAT I SAW THAT DAY, RADICALIZED ME.
JOHN GIORNO REFERS TO ALLEN GINSBERG AS HIS FIRST LIVING HERO POET. HE RADICALIZED ME, CHANGING MY POETRY BY SHOWING ME MY MIND.
WHEN SOMEONE RECOGNIZES US WE ARE BEING RADICALIZED. AS IN THE LIGHT GOES ON, WE ARE ON.
THE FLOWERS HAVE ARRIVED.
DEATH IS ALWAYS HERE.
THE ROOM I AM ENTERING IS A DREAM OF MY FATHER’ S HEART.
THE WORLD OF SENSE I INHABIT IN WHICH I AM RESPECTABLE.
PAUL KLEE AROSE IN MY PRACTICE THANKS TO MY WORK WITH THE WORD CONSOLATION: ONE OF MY VERY FIRST CONSOLATION-DRAWINGS REMINDED ME OF KLEE’S (USE OF) COLORS AND HIS LIVELY/LIVING SHAPES, THE ORGANIC LINE AS A KIND OF MOVEMENT.
IMMERSING MYSELF IN KLEE’S WRITINGS ABOUT ART AND HIS THEORIES OF CREATION, I DISCOVERED WHAT HE CALLED “THE GRAY POINT,” “THE ‘COSMOGENETIC’ MOMENT,” “A NON-DIMENSIONAL POINT, A POINT BETWEEN AND AT THE INTERSECTION OF DIMENSIONS, OR AT THE CROSSROADS […] AN ORIGINAL CENTER FROM WHICH [ALL] CAN SPRING AND SHINE ON ALL OTHER DIMENSIONS.”
IN 2012, I HIRED A PROFESSIONAL LOVER TO ADDRESS (MONEY)MOTHER-LOVE ISSUES. I CRIED INSIDE THE LOVER’S APARTMENT. THE CRYING WASN’T DRAMATIC. I RECOGNIZED THE TEARS AS ‘OTHER’. ‘OTHER’ TEARS RECOGNIZE THE SOUL AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE SOUL.
ON AUGUST 29, 2023, MY FATHER, 86, WAS HOSPITALIZED DUE TO HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE, DEHYDRATION, AND AN ACUTE ELECTROLYTE IMBALANCE. THE HOSPITAL INDUCED/TRIGGERED SEVERE DISORIENTATION: HE DID NOT KNOW WHERE HE WAS. HE WANDERED THE HOSPITAL CORRIDORS, WONDERING WHY THERE WERE STRANGERS (THE OTHER PATIENTS) IN HIS HOUSE. HE WAS DELIRIOUS. I WOULD LATER LEARN THE TERM ‘DURCHGANGSSYNDROM’ (HOSPITAL INDUCED DELIRIUM / TRANSITORY PSYCHOTIC SYNDROME).
The Angel Drawings (2023-Present): Inspired by Paul Klee’s Forgetful Angel (1939), originally conceived as a prayer and devotional practice while staying/living in my father’s hospital room, often drawn in the dark or with eyes closed, and since continued. Marker, colored pencil on paper, formats vary. 159 Angels so far
The Consolation Drawings (2021-Present): Ongoing series of drawings (450 so far) using the eight letters of the word "consolation”, which are connected by a single line, movement, and/or color. Colored pencil on various surfaces, various formats.
WHEN I ARRIVED IN GERMANY ON AUGUST 30, I CHOSE, WITH THE APPROVAL OF HIS DOCTORS, TO STAY WITH MY FATHER. I SPENT 14 DAYS IN HIS ROOM ON THE FIFTH FLOOR WITH A VIEW OF THE FOREST. I WAS HIS ‘BEGLEITPERSON’ (HIS ACCOMPANYING PERSON), A LANDMARK, HIS MEMORY AND HIS ORIENTATION. I PLACED KLEE’S ‘THE FORGETFUL ANGEL,’ WHO MADE THE TRAIN VOYAGE WITH ME FROM PARIS, ON OUR WINDOWSILL. I WROTE A CONSOLATION DRAWING ON THE GLASS.
IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM: COLORED PENCILS, A BLACK OIL-MARKER, A HAHNEMÜHLE NOSTALGIE SKETCH PAD, AND THE BOOK L’ANGE PAUL KLEE PAUL VALERY (FATA MORGANA, 2016). I SET MYSELF UP ON THE FLOOR, ON SOME FOAM CUSHIONS. THERE WE WERE, IN LIFE. AND IN ART, TOO. THE SITUATION WAS SERIOUS, ANYTHING COULD HAPPEN.
HEART = LOYALTY MACHINE. EMPATHY MACHINE. FORM. 4 CHAMBERS
HEART = CHILD, HAPPY CHILD, SOLDIER, LIGHT, CHILD LABORER, RISKTAKER, SOURCE, UNKNOWNNESS, INFINITY, SERVANT, SUPPLIER. WORLD OF SENSE. DAUGHTER. I’M SO HAPPY YOU ARE HERE.
MY HEART IS MY DEBT-CATEGORY.
I WANT TO MAKE TRUST, FRIENDS AND MONEY.
I WANT TO BE CHANGED.
I WANT TO EXPAND MYSELF.
I WANT TO BE PAID.
ARTIST = CREDITOR
ARTIST = THE ONE YOU HAVE TO PAY
DEBT / ASSET RATIO
DEBT / DRIVE RATIO
R IS ASKING FOR UPDATES IN MY THINKING AND CURRENT EXPERIENCE AROUND OPENESS AND CLOSURE.
MANTRA CITED DANTE IN RELATION WITH THE LAWYER/SISTER/COUSIN/FAMILY-IMPOSSIBILITY-PAIN-SITUATION.
MANTRA SAID JUSTICE IS NEEDED WHEN LOVE HAS FAILED; JUSTICE IS LOVE’S FAILURE.
IT IS NOT LOVE. IT IS LANGUAGE.
MY FATHER BOUGHT A PAINTING I MADE WHEN I WAS STILL WORKING IN MANAGEMENT. THE PAINTING WAS ON ITS WAY TO A GALLERY SHOW IN PARIS. HE SAID I DON’T WANT IT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. I LIKE IT. THE PAINTING IS CALLED ‘ALIENATION’.
I WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I TRUST HER.
SHE SLOWS ME DOWN.
SLOWING DOWN AN ACTION HAS AN EFFECT ON ME.
SLOWING DOWN AN ACTION HAS AN AFFECT ON US.
Christine Herzer is a poet and visual artist living in Paris.